Self in relationships. Other than the fact that a relationship requires a "self" and a someone for that self to relate to, "self" in relationships can seem to me to be an oxymoron. "Self" seems better understood as "self-centered," "self-satisfying," "self-absorbed," "self-serving," "self-fulfilled," "self-opinionated," "self-loving," "self-protective," "self-righteous," "self-willed," or even "self-pitying" or "self-aggrandizing" – which conveys the idea of ruthlessly pursuing anything just to gain a higher status. Taking the composite of this kind of "self" is certainly not a pretty picture and doesn’t allow for a mutual giving and receiving within a relationship. Rather than the relationship being about "us," it falls into a relationship about "me."

 

A different sort of "self" could emerge within a relationship. "Self-denial," "self-restraint," "self-composure," "selflessness," or "self-sacrifice" brings a wholly different "self" to relationship. Even for those who grieve deep losses in their lives, healing is enlarged for the one who chooses not to focus solely on her loss, but reaches out to someone else who is in need. Nancy Guthrie in her book, The One Year Book of Hope, says, "To love others in a sacrificial way means coming alongside others even when we are looking for support; it means lifting others up even when we are sinking." It is a simple, yet profound, principle.

 

To be totally honest, few of us would enter into relationships if self was not considered at all. We enter into relationship because we want to be loved, we want to be valued, we want to matter to someone in a special way. As believers, we understand, hopefully, the unconditional love and acceptance that is given to us by God, and yet, sometimes, we still desire a sense of "God-with-skin-on." We know He loves us. We know He values us. But in our human thinking, "If God loves me, people will love me too," and we look for that expression of His love. There are times we will reach out to someone else with no thought of love being returned, reaching out simply to meet a perceived need. Relationship happens though when the giving my "self" extends is met by giving being returned. It is at this point that "self" must choose. Holding on to the principle that relationship is about "us" and not just about "me," I must guard the self that relates. Depending on the needs that touch on a relationship, the give and take allows for those seasons that more fully embrace the needs of one self within a relationship over the other self. As one season fades into another, "us" returns, and the beauty of relationship is consummated – free of the self that focuses on self, and yet free too to receive the beauty that is given.